The ship that...

A ship set sail almost three years ago and though it was a small ship, it was constantly upgraded and improved till it became a large and stable ship. Recently, the ship sailed into rougher seas... Very soon, as the storm came in, the ship lost control and steered towards a coral reef. As the ship headed to the coral reef, everyone on board was willing with all their might that the ship can turn off the course of eminent destruction and towards safety. It was however, not their day.

The ship cruised into the rough coral reef and as the corals scrapped against the hull of the ship, everyone n board looked with fear. Most jumped off the ship except for the two who made the ship what it was today. They knew, it was either let it sink or to save the ship. The hull was breached by the time they got to it. Water was gushing in by gallons and gallons. As I bailed the water out anxiously and with everything I could muster, it wasn't helping the ship to stay afloat. He decisively tried to fix the hull while I continued bailing gallons and gallons of water in a bid to save the sinking ship.

Those people that jumped off the ship saw the ship's eminent destruction and was certain of its doom. However, with a lot of perseverance and effort, the two finally managed to fix the hull and stop the leaks. They continued bailing the rest of the water out and soon, the ship was afloat once again, despite the certainty that those people who abandoned the ship had that the ship was certain for destruction.

This is the main crux of my story with my boyfriend over the past few weeks and months. This is one of the reasons why I've not been updating my blog regularly. The other reason being me too lazy to do that.

To my boyfriend that might be reading this, I love you and thank you for choosing me and not to follow the others and abandon the ship. I hope that this ship of ours will continue to sail towards our destination which will be filled with mystery, joy and happiness. I want to spend my entire life with you! You might not believe this but I know that you are the one for me. It seems, no matter what, you are the only one with the knack to calm me down when I am really angry and the ability to make me smile in my time of extreme sadness. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there with me during all these times. I want you to know that I really love you and care for you. And I want to do that for the rest of my life. I hope you will allow me this request.

Love,
Clarevoiyant

Mothers and Boyfriend

For the whole of yesterday, my boyfriend and I shared our time together to spend time having coffee and sitting around in a cafe. We don't have a place we can share together to have some rest and relax time. My house is out of bounds because my parents have great prejudice about my boyfriend. Not that they know he is my boyfriend, but, I think they suspect he is. They also think he is a bad influence on me. Especially the fact that when I was admitted to hospital for a seizure, he was with me so, I am guessing my mother attributed the occurrence to his presence. My parents have told me a few times in the past to stay away from him, but in reality, I love him with all my heart, and, it would kill me to stay away from him more than 5 days. The longest I've gone without actually touching him (as in holding hands or hugging) is 2 weeks and that was because of confinement in BMT. Besides, I'm lonely without him. He just makes my life so much more interesting and colourful. I don't think I can imagine a life without him. It would just be so grey and boring. So, that concludes the reason why he isn't allowed in my house. I just don't want a rift to split us apart. I rather we spend time outside together but still be able to see each other.

He on the other hand doesn't want to cause suspicion within his christian family which I agree because it would just be too troublesome. With the religious side and the overall singaporean culture and perspective towards such "deviant" behaviour, I don't think going and tell his family he is mine is the best option. We do however steal times when his entire family is out to just lie in each other's arms and enjoy the warmth and company. It's those times I feel the most loved and the happiest. But sadly, it is out of bounds on weekends when we meet up.

Its rather funny how we view our future mother-in-laws. I view my future mother-in-law differently than what my boyfriend views his mum. While I view her to be always in an infinite angry mode, he views her as just loud. I view her as an authoritative person because of her uniform job in the past which from what I know was quite high a rank. I view her as a tiger mum, maybe due to the fact the household is filled with smart asses. My boyfriend's sister is a literary genius, his brother a mathematics and physics Olympiad, and both parents are degree holders and the dad is even studying alternative medicine now! With so many smart asses, she would surely have something to do with their academic standings at least. Plus,she is huge, has a firm and loud voice and very menacing from my view point. But to my boyfriend, she's a nice lady whom he thinks treats his friends too well, always buying treats and snacks for them when they come over. I don't know whether it is fortunate or unfortunate that I haven't had the experience of my future mother-in-law buying treats and snacks for me while I am at his house. I do hope however next time when my boyfriend shifts to his new house, I'd be able to visit and just spend my Saturdays with him in his room playing ps4, wii or xbox or just chatting.

My take, she looks like the typical Singaporean tiger mother. Scary for a boy of my stature.

My mother has always been the loving on of both my parents. My dad had been struggling with army (when he signed on as a pilot), his degree and his part time job as long as I can remember when I was just 4-5. I consistently didn't get to spend time with him. So, most of my time was spent with my mum. Perhaps that is why I find my mum more of the loving one than my dad. Besides, its probably his job nature that makes him very tippy and easily frustrated due to the long working hours that when I was young, even spilling a glass of water would result in dire consequences. So, I view my dad as fierce and my mum as loving. My boyfriend who met them a few times. One time, he was interrogated by them (supposedly when I was half conscious due to the seizure). My boyfriend's image of my mum from then on is a fierce woman. Though my mum has a short stature and is rather thin for reasons such as slimming and what not, she can come across as fierce looking from first glance. So this is probably what she looks like to my boyfriend from what he describes to me.

I hope it didn't scare him too much because he would probably have to face her more often in the future. Besides, I get the feeling my mum is lowly coming to terms with the fact that I may be gay. I just didn't tell her yet. I got a feeling she knows and have been coming to terms with it (together with my dad). I don't think I want to find out now with all the uncertainties so I shall wait.

Next time I meet my future mother-in-law, I'll try my best to put aside my first evaluation of her. Hopefully, we hit off well and it would be a smoother transition as I intend to marry this cute son of hers. :D

Day of surprise: Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day my boyfriend POP's (Pass Out Parade). Highlighted by the throwing cap ceremony at the end as shown below. This moment is the defining moment that they all passed BMT unscathed and no longer are the recruits they once were. My boyfriend is turning more into a man (people think that) but seriously, I don't see any change! No bigger muscles *pouts*. I expected that since he did undergo some vigorous training and I love my boy with some muscles. *sighs*

And he doesn't know I will be going together with a friend of his. Yes, it will be such a surprise. Can't wait to see his reaction and his joy! What most parents here term as the first step towards "manliness" which I haven't yet gone through and probably will never experience this ever. So, it would probably be something new tomorrow. At least if I don't experience it myself, I can watch my darling do this. Because of my inability to complete the Basic Military Training (BMT) due to some medical problems of mine, my parents have always made jokes of how "un-manly" I am. Not that it matters to me, but, the fact that they believe my work in NS to be relatively slacker than those who undergo physical training. Bad news update: It's mental fucking torture! Everyday I have to do shit for those people whom pretend somewhat they appreciate my presence and give me work that are either too time-consuming, too boring or too menial for them to do. I get treated like a effing "slave" and for what? A similarly "slave-worthy" pay of just 500 a month. That excludes my insurance and phone bills and other miscellaneous bills that are linked to the SAF. which makes about 350 left to spend and save? Well, let me give you another point of view. My job is similar to what people outside or in the private sector call an office boy or a clerk. These people have qualifications ranging from secondary school leavers to O levels. The pay they generally have based on my research (I tried applying for these jobs during my holidays) and estimates is about 800-1200. For this fact, I am already underpaid. Secondly, cleaners earn a 700-800 on average and they do a specific job like cleaning and taking out the trash. While, I do things out of my job scope that I don't gain credit for. The best I get is a thanks. Nothing more nothing less. And my boss has to rub it in giving my a timeline to complete an almost impossible task. 2 weeks is already impossible. Why not try doing it yourself? Well, actually all I am trying to say is that I am severely overworked and underpaid.

I am just so pissed off that even my parents don't credit me for the work I do. True enough that they don't get to see what I do from day to day but it would be best if they could know and acknowledge that even if I don't serve the nation with my blood and sweat, I am serving it with my brains, time and heart (sometimes).

Away from that ranting and back to my day to day life, my parents have decided to shift their company to occupy a new building. As such, they enlisted my help to design the layout of the office and I completed two differing drafts in just a couple of hours. I am just so proud of myself. *Claps* Anyways, this would be my maiden project in interior design (which in a way is similar to interior architecture. Architecture being a field I am greatly interested in.). My second project would be my new home which is surprisingly on its way faster than I would have expected. My home is on the first floor (in the new home) but I would finally get to have my own room! Yes, I still sleep in the same room as my brother and he snores! Sometimes it feels like an airplane landed in my room. I've designed most of the house but that will have to wait till my NS is over. Then I can dedicate more time to designing that. I'll get down to the itsy tinsy details. Finally not a rojak house anymore. Rojak is a word for mixed, or a dish created by the chinese that is a mix of dough fritters, cucumbers, pineapple, yam, peanuts and prawn paste. In essence it is a salad. Not all people love it. Like me, I am the odd one that dislikes this uniquely Singaporean cuisine. However, there are people like my brother, my cousin and my Dad that simply adores this dish. It looks something like below.

On a side note: My mum's pink coloured cheap bag is getting on my nerves. There is nothing worse than a bad fashion statement that gives people the impression that one has bad fashion sense. She carries that thing every fucking where we go! Dammit! I bought her 3 new bags just today online that would be shipping here in about 2 weeks. God help, I have to spent another 2 weeks being embarrassed when people stare and probably think of how my mum can have such bad fashion sense. A fuchsia/ hotpink bag that looks like it costs 5 dollars? Oh please! It looks something like this less the brand name and the sort of superb finishing and build quality in this specimen. Hideous colour though! Absolutely hideous!

It's time to work hard: For me and my Boyfriend.

Well, it's finally here: My final exams are round the corner. Exactly in one month's time from now, in the midst of NS and all, I'll be done with my part time diploma and have myself the capability to earn more than my current measly pay by about three times! Of course that will still have to wait till my NS is over. While there is assignment and studying to be done on my part, my poor baby has to do his first (and hopefully last) 24 km route march to his glorious end of his basic military training. I won't be there to watch him do that amazing feat (for which I was excused from in my days of bmt) because his family will be there and it would take a lot of explanation as to why a boy is attending in place of his sister. Of which they have only had a glance previously. I would definitely not have anything to talk about and much less stammer the whole way because I am such a bad liar. So he didn't want me to go. Besides, we promised that if we were to come out, it would be a time when we both felt comfortable. And telling your in-laws you are his/her son's boyfriend is a double shock. Imagine knowing the fact that your son is gay and the fact that he has a boyfriend. It could go both ways. One, the mum/dad already knows and says something on the line like, "Oh. I already know lah.  Psst. *whispers* He's a hottie!" Or, the less desirable way when he/she breaks down, maybe starts swearing and hopefully not have violence involve.

I know for one that my family isn't very receptive of homosexuality (I guess it is a typical asian parent thing). I won't be having it easy when I come out though I did leave a few traces of my being one here and there for them to speculate since I am pretty much the normal boy save the fact I love dicks. Each time I did, I rated their response and so far, it doesn't look very promising. Well, I just hope they take in those information and piece together and finally come to terms with it before my actual "coming out" so that it will be less of a problem when it does happen. Eventually and I envision it to be soon. Maybe in about 5 years? There are times when I do feel like I am tired. Tired of all these 'pretentious lies' that I am "going out with my friends" when it is my boyfriend I am going out with. "Oh, this is just a friend", "I'm going overseas with friends". All of these lies. I can't really tell lies so each time I do manage to slip over one, I feel like I die a little inside. I just hope my coming out to be a better story than I hope it'll be.

Btw, I think my boyfriend is a smart, cute and adorable little boy. I just want to hug him and snuggle up to him every moment of my life. He is however on the depressed side and tend to think of negative things. I guess it is just his personality. But I do love every aspect of him except for him always running late for dates and his negative outlook on almost everything. But, asides from all that, he really is a sweet boy. A little on the scrawny side but I like to call it slim twink-ish. I do have similar body shape but I have more pronounced pectorals and biceps despite the fact he in physically exercising and I am not really doing it on as regular a basis as I want it to be (I do chest building exercises like maybe once in two weeks). It is true that in a relationship, sex can be excluded. However, if a relationship is to last long, sex is necessary. 

Why do I say that? Well, when sex is performed, it releases a lot of dopamine. The central neurochemical player behind falling in—and out—of love is dopamine. Dopamine is the principal neurochemical that activates your reward circuitry, the centerpiece of the limbic system. Dopamine is involved with many aspects of mood, behavior, and perception. Even small shifts in dopamine sensitivity or levels can have profound effects on how you see the world, or your partner.The key word is bonding. Bonding is more than a behavior. It is a mammalian program, the program that permits parenting and living in groups. When dopamine drops, you are likely to find your partner less rewarding—and your bond unravels. So when you have sex, the attraction towards him is renewed. I don't need that often because I fall in love with him again and again and again and all I need is his smile. That smile of his never seems to fail in cheering me up and making feel like he is the "one" for me.

I do hope Mr Right stays with me till the day I step out of the closet so that even if I enter a new battlefield after stepping out, my prince charming will be there to back me up and we can get through the storm together. In the past, both of us walked a lonely path. Today, I feel that he made me much less lonely and I really really really love that innocent boy that never fails to stop eating baby carrots. A bunny indeed!

To my bunny boyfriend: I love you! :)